It’s no secret that my daughter changed my life. She opened a part of my heart that I didn’t know existed. She is the reason I started my own business and she’s the reason I work so hard; I want to give her the best possible female role model. Adding a child to our lives has been nothing but positive so when it came to motherhood and pregnancy, I was naive.
We want more children. We started trying for our second baby about six months before Norah turned two years old. I didn’t want siblings too close in age, but I’m 32 and wasn’t comfortable waiting too long either.
I found out I was pregnant on April 7th, a few days before my missed period. I took a test the day before, but the line was so faint that my husband didn’t believe that it was positive. The next morning I took a digital test which read “Pregnant 1-2 weeks” and we celebrated. On April 18th, I started spotting after a weekend of yard work in hot weather. I assumed I pushed it a little too hard and took it easy on Monday. After going to the bathroom on April 20th and seeing bright red blood, I was certain that I was miscarrying.
My first pregnancy was rife with symptoms. A few days after the positive test, I began feeling incredibly nauseous. I threw up within the first week and didn’t stop until week 20 even with the help of anti-nausea medication. This time, I couldn’t believe that I felt so good and normal while pregnant. Instead of assuming something was wrong, I had hoped that I was just having one of those unicorn pregnancies. I imagined myself exercising, having a ton of energy, and being one of those rare women who claim they feel better pregnant than not. I had such a rough first pregnancy that I felt like I was getting a good second one to balance things out.
On April 20th, I spent six hours in the ER, but left with no concrete answers. The doctor couldn’t tell me whether I was having an ectopic pregnancy, a threatened abortion or a normal pregnancy. Ten days of going to the doctor every other day to get blood tests and ultrasounds followed. My hopes kept being lifted only to crash again. My HCG was going up, but not with the regularity that they expected which pointed to an ectopic pregnancy. My ultrasounds showed only an empty gestational sac, a blighted ovum, too small for the six weeks I was supposed to be. Finally, things accelerated and I had a natural miscarriage. My HCG numbers dropped from 1300 to 100 in a day. Three weeks later my number was 2.
My sadness waxed and waned. I would feel fine for hours then all of a sudden it would hit me that I wasn’t having a baby in December anymore. Was I ever pregnant? It hadn’t felt like it. I waited for pregnancy symptoms, but nothing had happened.
Uncertainty makes me uncomfortable. I like to know what’s going to happen and when. This experience made me feel very small. It made me realize that the number of things I actually have control of in life is tiny.
I read a lot of other mother’s accounts of their feelings and experiences having a miscarriage and they gave me comfort. Unfortunately, my experience is not unique and many, many women have lost a pregnancy. I decided I wanted to write about this because not talking about it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. This was a big life event for me, even though it was a negative one. I am simultaneously extremely grateful to my body for giving me my daughter, but angry at it for failing me this time.
In the months that followed the miscarriage, I had a wonderful heart-to-heart talk with a pastor that gave me a huge sense of peace. I typically don’t cry in front of people, but this experience caused me to break down in front of several people. At first, I was embarrassed, but ultimately I realized that I was being true to my pain and my loss. I read many blogs about miscarriages. I watched many YouTube videos of women discussing their miscarriages and cried with them. I was as gentle with myself as I could be and tried not to play the ‘what if’ or ‘could have, would have, should have’ game.
We plan to continue trying to expand our family with hopes that this will not happen again. This will always be a part of my history, but I’ve made peace with it. I am grateful for the beautiful family I already have and optimistic for the family I want. As I said, this situation is too common and everyone deals with it in a different way. It is still a topic that women don’t always feel comfortable discussing with others. So yes, I will talk about my miscarriage. And if you’ve also had this experience, I invite you to talk about it too.